How to translate audiophile slang

"Gets out of the way of the music." When a friend borrows your preamp.

"Crushed the competition." When we nick our parquet as the stand-mount topples.

"Opened the windows on the performance." When during the summer and due to hot valve kit, one lets all the warm air out of a room.

"Stages through the front wall." When half the flagship speaker ends up on the balcony of a one-bedroom flat.

"Iron-fisted control in a velvet glove." When some writer dweeb mixed his metaffers.

"True to the music." When one plays the song one got married to.

"The performers appeared in front of me." When one hallucinates multiple poltergeists from one too many oxycodone.

"Sounds like music." Whenever one doesn’t play test tones.

"The second coming." When one forgot the first from a month ago. Precedes the third coming next month.

"Port chuff." After one too many beans.

"Mosfet mist." Just before the amp catches fire.

"Cone breakup." Ugly divorce. Best get a solicitor.

"4th-order crossover." Musical mashup involving four different styles.

"Full range." More than half range but less than absolute range.

"Audiophile quality." Only plays bagpipes and boy-with-banjo fare.

"Hi rez". Having severe reservations.

"Reference system." File index.

"Giant killer." Useful for when the aliens land; unless they're the tiny or benevolent sort.

"Brick and mortar." Left-over ammunitions from after the Internet took over.

"Respects the musical message." When reviewers are off their meds to know what the musicians were thinking.

"The absolute sound." After too much Absolut vodka when everything sounds great.

"My wife heard it from the next room." Because she got better things to do than listen to the actual hifi.

"Break in." Most other countries call it burglary. But perhaps nothing was stolen because nobody recognized your hifi brands?

"Glare." Too much German chrome.

"Card-carrying audiophile." When you're out of cash but still short one component or two.

"Neutrality." Costly Swiss kit.

"Good value." €50K speakers which are so much cheaper than €200K speakers.

"Negative feedback." The fora are full of it.

"Passive preamp." Doesn't get up when you enter.

"Off switch." What you need just before the cops show up.

"Power conditioner." What to use after the shampoo wears off.

"ChiFi." Improves your chi.

"Mono." Short-hand for monotone.

"Stereo." When three's a crowd.

"Multi-channel." Group sex.

"Guaranteed for three years." Will break in the 4th year.

"Best in class." Actually, never went to school a year in its life but it still reads impressive.

"Best I heard." Exactly how much have you heard and where? Anything other than your own system doesn't count.

"My new reference." Only means you like it better than what you had before. If you had nothing before, it's simply your first hifi.

"The upgrade itch." Nothing that a call to your accountant won't cure.

"Must have". Short for bread and water in some cultures, rice and beans in others.

"Ground loop." A mole on a circular track, hill optional.

"Cable lifts." Normies call them elevators and use them in department stores.

"Zip cord." Makes your hifi play faster. Good for when you're short on time.

"Noise floor." The people living below you.

"DC filter." When you want to listen to only half of AC/DC.

"Return privilege." The track-repeat button on a music player.